Dear Sobriety

Posted on April 1, 2020 by monicatbd · 8 Comments

Day 867 – Break the Rules, April Fools!

Dear Sobriety,

60738694805__468af38d-2e12-459a-97c3-69feee632bf0 — Clippers Charging!

I love breaking rules. I broke one of the unwritten gender rules imposed on females yesterday afternoon, actually. I have super short hair and have been in dire need of a haircut for a minute now, so I ordered clippers from Amazon and shaved my head last night. Let me tell you that I felt like I have unburdened myself from a million pounds of nonsense! Amazing! Stella’s got her groove back!

Anyway, I logged on to another recovery Zoom meeting yesterday and Tom W. encouraged in his share to break some more hypothetical rules. I figured that here would be a great place to share them! If you’d like to hear the full audio, go here. He’s #72, Tom W., Oakland, CA.

Five Hypothetical Rules We Should All Break Immediately:

You can’t have anything wrong with you.
If you do have something wrong with you, get over it immediately, if not before.
If you can’t get over it, pretend there’s nothing wrong.
If you can’t pretend nothing’s wrong, “dropout” of life.
If all else fails, be deeply ashamed that there’s something wrong.

Now I know I didn’t get those verbatim, but I do believe I got the “jist” of what he was saying. While Tom W. was speaking, I just kept nodding and nodding. Have you ever felt this way? When someone asks you, “How are you?” do you feel compelled to answer with, “Fine,”? I know I have. I feel like each time I’ve done that, I’ve not only lied to myself and someone else, but also like the stress of whatever was holding me down just got heavier. Isn’t it weird?

I have no doubt that the most common answer to “How are you?” that I’ve ever given is, “Fine.” Whereas, in my head, I’m constantly screaming, “No you’re not!!” Of course, I wouldn’t take this to the extreme and start answering with a laundry list of things that are bothering me. But just the realization that it’s ok to not be ok is such a relief.

I think it’s safe to say that most of us during the craziness of Earth’s current affairs are not “fine”. I was absolutely overwhelmed with gratitude when I was offered the option of voluntary leave at my company. In fact, I didn’t realize how “not fine” I was until I spent that first afternoon quarantined.

Be honest with yourself. It’s ok to not be ok. If you’re not ok, then take a minute to pinpoint what is going on and begin the work of repairing what needs to be fixed. On the flipside of that, in my opinion, is also realizing that once you see what the problem is, it’s not ok to whine and complain about it if you’re not working on correcting it. This applies to myself too. I’m definitely guilty of sitting on the pity pot. Sometimes it just takes me longer to realize there’s someone that needs to use it more than me.

Another thing I wanted to share real quickly is about “doing the next right thing”. I’m sure I’ve mentioned those exact words in at least one post, if not many more. It’s part of my program of recovery. Step one: don’t drink. Step two: do the next right thing. I know I get hung up in details and semantics a lot, so another person shared this on a meeting:

Sometimes doing the ‘next right thing’ is just not doing the next wrong thing.

The power of that super simple statement hit me hard. It answered a question that I never knew I’d been asking myself, “What happens when I don’t know what the ‘right thing’ is?”

So that’s all I got for now. Love ya’ll! Big socially distanced hugs and kitty kisses to you all!

Posted on March 31, 2020April 25, 2020 by monicatbd · 2 Comments

Day 866 – Three C’s with a Hula Hoop

Dear Sobriety,

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before (and I’m terrible at actually tagging what I write about), so I figure this is probably the best time to bring it (back) up.

The “three C’s” I first learned while going through an outpatient dual-diagnosis program. Dual-diagnosis is essentially when you’re not only lucky enough to have a substance abuse issue, but also a mental health diagnosis tagged on to you. Which, if we’re all being really honest with ourselves, can’t we all say that we’ve experienced depression, anxiety, mania, etc. at least one time in our lives? I digress…

As I was still drinking while going through this program, I didn’t really apply the “three C’s” to anything; therefore, I was still angry (ie. afraid) at everything. I popped the ie in there because I believe anger is a secondary emotion. I digress again…

Let’s just get down to brass tacks, shall we:

The Three C’s:

Didn’t Cause It.
Can’t Control It.
Can’t Change It.

I think I’m safe in assuming that most, if not all, of us are experiencing some sort of symptom that our mental health is not quite operating at optimum levels due to COVID-19 sweeping across the world. The “Three C’s” help me, quite honestly, keep my sh!t together not just for day-to-day life, but also have helped immensely during times of extreme stress; therefore, assisting in lowering my anxiety levels and lessening my depression just by asking myself these three simple questions in regard to nearly any person, place, thing, event that is affecting my self-peace.

Did I cause this to happen?
Nope.
Can I control what has happened and/or what is happening around me?
Nope. (see hula hoop rule below)
Can I change what has happened and/or what is happening around me?
Nope. (see hula hoop rule below)

Pretty easy, huh? I have to keep things simple for myself because otherwise, I will get all sorts of twisted up in the details and go down a hundred different tangents which seemingly always end in some sort of negative circumstance. Never a positive outcome in this lovely brain I have.

So what’s the hula hoop rule because it looks like you’ve added caveats to control and change?

So glad you asked! I know that I am incredibly anal and nitpicky when people ask me to do things and while I was typing this up, I realized that if I can find an “out” in an exercise I’m doing, then I betcha others can too.

Go get a hula hoop. Go on… I’ll wait here. Don’t have one? No? Well, I don’t either. I think I left mine back at my parents’ house in 1992. If you do have one, lemme tell ya, I am a bit jelly over here cause they help with core toning like you wouldn’t believe. Now I know why I was so tiny growing up.
Since I lack time traveling skills, I think we’re going to have to use our imaginations for this one. Please put on imaginative, extraordinary, extravagant, insanely complex looking, sparkly time traveling helmet and tighten chin strap.

Side note: I just had to ask Alexa what the diameter of an average hula hoop is for those of us who need to include more details for their imaginations. She told me it is 40 inches (1.02 meters for the rest of the world).

Ok, so step inside your imaginary, rainbow colored, glittered, sequined, tiny cat shadowed, 40 inch diameter hula hoop. Look at all the things inside that hula hoop. Yeah. That’s going to be just yourself. Everything inside that beautiful, iridescent, hula hoop is what you can control and what you can change. Everything outside that most magical of hula hoops is outside of your control and you are unable to change it. Simple, right? Yes. It really is that simple.

That’s it. Now you know the “Three C’s” and the hula hoop rule. I’m not going to go into anymore details about them because, well, in my opinion, sure you could talk all day about each of these, but that goes back to adding nitpicky, anal details that are completely unnecessary.

Go out. “Three C” and hula hoop rule the sh!t out of your life and witness your anxiety begin to lower if you really believe yourself.

Love you all! Sending lots of kitty kisses and good juju out to the world! ♥

61qEbNRdqEL._AC_SL1339_ — Photo Cred: Amazon

Posted on March 29, 2020March 29, 2020 by monicatbd · 2 Comments

Day 863 – The Wind

Dear Sobriety,

Just wanted to share something from the past few days of speaker recovery meetings I’ve been logging in to.

Person 1: Do you see the wind?

Person 2: Yeah. It’s really whipping through the trees.

Person 1: No. Do you see the wind?

Person 2: Well… no, I guess not.

Person 1: But you can see its effects, right? Just like with your HP (Higher Power). You can’t see it, but if you look hard enough, you can see everything it is touching.

Anyway, that’s just stuck with me today since it’s been mega windy here.

Sending love, joy and kitty kisses to you all!

Posted on March 27, 2020March 27, 2020 by monicatbd

Day 862 – Learning Something New

Dear Sobriety,

COVID-19 has affected nearly everyone around the WORLD. If you aren’t infected by it or recovering from it, your lifestyle has been drastically altered because of it. I know mine has. This pandemic had increased my anxiety to a point where I felt like I was walking around in a haze with a brick on my chest. The moment I decided finances be damned because me and my sobriety are worth more than a regular paycheck was the moment I was able to take charge and start being me again. Sure, it’s just me in my apartment with my cats doing some creative accounting, reading, attending virtual all day AA speaker marathons (I’ll have info on that below) and following the CDC guidelines in order to hopefully slow this virus down. But when I think of how that brick felt on my chest felt, do I need anything more than that right now? I’m going to answer that with a vehement Hell no! Like I’ve mentioned before and have heard many time over from others:

You must take care of yourself first before you are able to care for anyone else.

One other thing I wanted to mention to those of you quarantined with your partners: take advantage of this time. Sure, you’re going to get on each other’s nerves from time-to-time, but doesn’t that happen when the world is operating “normally”? Think outside of the box. Here are a few ideas that I’ve used during past relationships:

Go for a picnic. We’re all encouraged to get outside right now (and socially distance ourselves, of course), so go visit a park with a lake. Take a picnic basket, camping chairs or blanket, a couple of books or camera or whatever you’d like and just enjoy the amazing nature that is happening outside. It’s Springtime in the States, so birds are singing, trees and flowers are budding and while the humans are quarantined, the world outside is becoming more alive!
Take any ol’ game (poker, Twister, Battleship, Monopoly) and give them the adult twist by adding “strip” to the beginning. Change the rules. Make your own games.
Write notes to each other. If you’re the early riser and get the coffee going, leave a post-it note on the coffee maker for your partner to see when they get their morning cup ‘o joe to start their day off on a positive note. I was going to say “start their day off ‘right'”, but there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to start a day, in my opinion. Leave a note under their pillow before you go to bed. If you’re like me and can’t keep a secret to save your life, then when you two go to bed, you’ll be all smiles and giggles waiting for them to crawl in next to you and find what you’ve left.
If you need some personal space, communicate that to each other. You’re only hurting each other if you’re sitting there seething about your partner being around “all the time”. Communicate that, set either time boundaries or household room boundaries and quarantine yourself from each other for a minute and respect this time/space. It’s not like you or your partner are really “going” anywhere. Also, if you’re like me and you’re the one who requested the space, you’re going to manage to do this for five minutes before giving in and realizing how much you enjoy having that other person around not only to talk to, but just be with.

Enjoy this time and enjoy each other.

Back to sobriety… Check out this link (www.recoverytapers.com) for a whole slew of free, online speakers. All of the zoom meeting info I’ll post in pics below may also be found there. Also, all the zoom meetings I’m posting will be recorded and available at the link above for free. Miss a speaker you’d like to hear? It will be available.

This is an amazing time for people in recovery.

Be safe. Be kind. Be you. Sending loads of love and good vibes around the world! ❤

Posted on March 26, 2020 by monicatbd · 8 Comments

Day 861 – Need Hope?

Dear Sobriety,

Just wanted to pop on here to share with you all my plan for the day. Mega AA speaker series all day today. This is a crazy time to be in sobriety. I know my head has gone down paths that it hasn’t in a bit, so I’m using my voluntary leave as an opportunity to get back to basics and ramp up my program of sobriety.

It’s been a bit since I’ve been excited about being sober. Sure, I’m content living this way. Most days I’m not resentful and most days I’m grateful that sobriety is a requirement for me to keep living; however, after a Zoom AA meeting yesterday, I started getting excited about sobriety again. And here’s my plan for the day! Feel free to join me!!

Sending much love and good vibes to you all out there!!

Monsy 💖💖💖

Posted on March 25, 2020 by monicatbd · 5 Comments

Day 860 – Voluntary Leave

Dear Sobriety,

It’s you, me and the cats now. I mentioned in yesterday’s post that my place of business is considered “essential” which means I’ve been one of the still gainfully employed and working individuals out there during this insane time. Today I made a decision. I decided to keep my sanity. Yep. Because that’s what I felt this anxiety was taking away from me.

My work sent out a memo mentioning voluntary leave being available due to the county where it’s located currently being on the quarantine list. I called HR to talk about it and get more info today. I knew a little about it, but not everything. After I talked with HR, I went over a list of my personal finances as well as a pro/con list and I decided to exercise the right to take this leave. I truly feel that – while I may be a bit more strapped for cash – this was the best decision that I could have made for myself and I am incredibly grateful to have been given this choice by my workplace.

I’m not sure how my cats are taking the news that mom is going to be home a lot more for the near future, but we’re a family and family works together through good times and bad. Plus, they know that I am the one who controls the food. And she who controls the food controls their world. And right now all of our worlds are in a safe, clean one bedroom apartment.

I know prayer and a belief in a HP can’t fix everything, so I am doing my part to take a step back and hopefully one less person out circulating in the world will help slow this virus down.

My hopes, good juju and love go out to all of those in the “real world” during this time of crisis! Be well, be safe and take care of yourself first because without that, you can’t take care of anyone else.

Also, please keep in mind:

Posted on March 24, 2020March 24, 2020 by monicatbd · 6 Comments

Day 859 – Not Sure How to Title This

Dear Sobriety,

It’s been a hot minute since I posted last. Mostly due to laziness and not really feeling like I need to. Part of my program of sobriety is writing and I’m grateful to say that in the past minute (months) there really hasn’t been much craziness which has inspired me to jump on here. Oh how things have changed…

I don’t even know what I’m going to write about or if I’ll even post this, but I feel words coming through my fingers, so I shan’t stop them.

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot, my friends. First of all, let me say my prayers and good juju goes out to all of those dealing with COVID-19. Which, let’s just be honest, is all of us. Also, as far as I’m aware, I am not physically afflicted with this, but damn if it isn’t on my mind all the time. Aside from some pretty nasty allergies I’m dealing with, I’m physically ok. But mentally and emotionally I am beyond spent.

I’m one of those people who tends to do well in times of stress. I’m, on average, good at meeting deadlines and dealing with “fires” that pop up at work and at home. My fight or flight response tends to lean towards fight, but only for myself and usually in an extremely logical and sound manner. It’s almost like an invisible checklist is put in my head and I manage to go through the items in a calm and collected way checking each one off in the proper order to ensure whatever crisis is happening is taken care of in the correct order in order to achieve maximum success (or however you want to define it). Mad props goes to my second ex husband for making me realize this. Ever since then, however, (and especially since I’ve been sober) I’ve noticed a continued trend. But… being this type of person is only good for short spurts. Being on “high-alert” is only a positive for so long until it starts to viciously fight back at you.

I work for a company that is currently considered part of the “essential businesses” allowed to continue operations during this terrifying pandemic and right now I am having a terrible quarrel with myself over it because I’m beyond exhausted. I’m absolutely grateful that I am one of the few who, today, still has a job to go to and money coming in the door. At the same time, I feel so distracted that I know I’m not performing to the best of my abilities. But then you go back to the fact that if I didn’t have work to keep me busy and out of my own head, I would essentially be forced to be my single, sober self in my home with two cats and a no other physical interactions with other humans for an undetermined amount of time. So far, I don’t like how that last scenario plays out in my head. I don’t think I would relapse, but I’ve also never been put in that situation yet. Too many unknowns are flying all around that.

I had a panic attack inside the Wal-Mart last Friday. I ran out to lunch during the workday and volunteered to see if any of the stores had hand sanitizer to refill the bottles at work while I was out. Mistake. I haven’t had a full on panic attack since before I got sober and I had forgotten how scary they are. I walked in to the Wal-Mart and felt like everyone was going to jump on me and get me sick. I swear everyone was walking straight towards me. My chest tightened up and I started taking extremely shallow breaths. I was terrified of breathing someone else’s contaminated air.

This all happened so quickly. I was already feeling uncomfortable since I had gone through Target and another store to see if I could find any. But this… this was a million times worse and came on so fast. I ended up making only a partial lap through the store before I had to turn around and get the f**k out of there. NOW. By the time I was in the parking lot, the chest pains were terrible.

However, with the bad comes the good. I was able to call my psych dr. and do a telehealth call with him immediately. I explained what happened and he called me in a non-addictive, non-controlled substance prescription to take if/when these come on or before I know I’ll be in a situation like that again. So I learned about telehealth calls and it was super easy.

I don’t know when things will be back to “normal”, but I could really use a break. If anyone has any ideas on how to get your zen back in freakish times like these, I would sure appreciate any suggestions!

There is some good that is coming out of all of this. I’ve heard that some smog has cleared and other natural things are getting a break from human waste. Also, the telehealth thing is super cool. But the thing that I have most needed and appreciated has been the amazing humor that has popped up all over! Sure, this is terrible, but this woman still needs to laugh.

Here’s my fave. Hope you enjoy! Sending more love and good thoughts!

Posted on January 29, 2020January 29, 2020 by monicatbd · 9 Comments

Day 804 – Something to Share

Dear Sobriety,

One of my sisters in sobriety shared this today and I am absolutely bursting with excitement to share it with all of you!

If you ever think you’ll never see the light at the end of the tunnel, take a moment to click this link for an exercise in gratitude. You will soon see that the light has been surrounding you the entire time.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PMjZ98sxzQ0&feature=youtu.be

Sending much love and good vibes to you all!!

🥰🤗🥰🤗🥰🤗

Posted on January 25, 2020January 25, 2020 by monicatbd · 4 Comments

Day 800 – The Other Shoe…

Dear Sobriety,

92ba82be4fc7eede29b2567bc01890c9 So many blessings have been bestowed on me this week! Two that are key are: my identify theft case was closed and my doctor sent me more info on my blood test results! I am beyond excited to share this with you because I was concerned more so about my white blood cell count being up again than my cholesterol being high. The last time my WBC were up, I had to follow up with an oncologist and that is not a doctor I ever want to see on the regular. While he was super awesome, if you’re seeing an oncologist, then there is something serious going on with your health. So I am super grateful to say that while my count is A B Normal (any Mel Brooks fans out there?), it is my “normal”. Also, she told me that while my LDL (bad) cholesterol is high, my HDL (good) is incredibly good, so that helps bring down my risk of heart disease. So yay!! Great news!

Had this news been presented to me a few years ago in such a small timeframe, I would have immediately started worrying “when is the other shoe going to drop?” Thankfully today I have a better way of living and it is more in this moment than worrying about the future and what could happen. Now don’t get me wrong, I still worry about the future from time-to-time, but not nearly the way I did when I was drinking.

This week I was able to truly enjoy these gifts that were given to me without bothering myself of the what if’s, why’s or consequences that would come with them. It is so freeing to think about how I live my life today. The chains that were bound to me before by not only alcohol, but also my mind have truly been lifted. I’m able to laugh, love and be the best me that I can which in turn affects those around me.

But on the cholesterol side of things, how did my week go with my new goals? As far as my food goals went, fantastic! I have to say that just after a couple of days of healthy eating, I already feel much better physically. Unfortunately, I caved last night and ordered a fried chicken sandwich because aside from adding tuna to my salads and eating my egg muffins for breakfast, I haven’t had much protein, so I used that as my excuse. Let me tell you that after just a few consistent days of healthy eating, I felt like crap after that sandwich. Sure it tasted good, but ugggghhhh! I felt more bloated and sluggish than I had in a while. Live and learn, eh?

I threw my back out yesterday morning on my way to my car. Slipped on some slush and felt that twinge that you know means something is wrong. Luckily, my butt didn’t hit the ground, but when I tried to catch my balance, my back and shoulder are paying the price. Today is much better than yesterday as far as mobility goes, but if I decide to order anything for the rest of the weekend, it is going to be groceries instead of junk, so I can meal prep for the week tomorrow.

So this weekend me and the kitties are at home on this dreary Caturday watching bad tv and resting up for the week.

Wishing you all a beautiful day and sending a reminder to enjoy the gifts you’ve been given instead of waiting for shoes to drop. ♥

Posted on January 19, 2020 by monicatbd · 3 Comments

Day 794 – Cholester All Up in My Bizness

Dear Sobriety,

So I mentioned the other day that I started seeing a new GP. It had been a bit since I’ve had any blood tests done, so she ran a whole panel on me and part of that was checking my cholesterol level. Well… let’s just say I’m an over achiever in that area. My overall number is… 284. Yep. Eek! Take a look at where I am on this chart..

Guide to Healthy Cholesterol Infographic

Also, I accidentally conked out on the couch last night at 7:00p and woke up at 1:00a today all bright eyed and bushy tailed, so I’ve been doing nothing but googling cholesterol stuff and figured I might as well write about it and try and set some goals for myself with you all as my witnesses. I guess it’s time to start paying a little more attention to what I put into my mouth, eh? I haven’t really been caring too much since my clothes haven’t been getting tight, but my weight has also upticked a bit.

So here we go with the mini goals:

Hit the grocery store with an actual list instead of playing the “I’m hungry for alllllll of this.” I think we all know how well that ends up going.
Actually food prep for the work week. I’m absolutely terrible about not making lunch for myself and end up eating out waaaaay too much, so this will not only help my waistline, but also my wallet.
Add on to #2 and if I don’t bring a lunch, to run to the supermarket and hit the salad bar instead of the drive thru. It’s cheaper and healthier.
Start working out… Blech. I know this is not only good for my physical health, but also for my mental health, so yet another twofer of positives. I actually have gym membership, but haven’t used it in the past two years because A) I’m lazy and B) the ex and I used to go to the gym together, so I have a slight fear that he could actually be in the same physical space as me. But really, the odds of that are slim to none, so that’s not an acceptable excuse anymore. Due to the major aversion to this, I’m only going to set a goal of three times a week to start out with. I don’t want to set myself up for failure, ya know? And working out with my dvds at home is absolutely acceptable. I have a bazillion of them.

I think that’s a good start. Smoking is on the list in my mind. We shall see when that happens. I actually had no idea that it impacted cholesterol as much as the internet has been telling me, so that’s another reason to quit. I’m still learning how to properly adult myself, ya know?

So yeah… sobriety has impacted my health in so many positive ways, but that doesn’t mean my journey to get healthy ends with that. There will always be things I need to work on and improve, so I think this is a good start. Also, it’s a good thing I just got two 80 packs of maple and brown sugar oatmeal from Sam’s, huh?

Have a magical Sunday funday! I think I’ll be napping this morning.