Dear Sobriety,

It’s been a hot minute since I posted last.  Mostly due to laziness and not really feeling like I need to.  Part of my program of sobriety is writing and I’m grateful to say that in the past minute (months) there really hasn’t been much craziness which has inspired me to jump on here.  Oh how things have changed…

I don’t even know what I’m going to write about or if I’ll even post this, but I feel words coming through my fingers, so I shan’t stop them.

Whiskey.  Tango.  Foxtrot, my friends.  First of all, let me say my prayers and good juju goes out to all of those dealing with COVID-19.  Which, let’s just be honest, is all of us.  Also, as far as I’m aware, I am not physically afflicted with this, but damn if it isn’t on my mind all the time.  Aside from some pretty nasty allergies I’m dealing with, I’m physically ok.  But mentally and emotionally I am beyond spent.

I’m one of those people who tends to do well in times of stress.  I’m, on average, good at meeting deadlines and dealing with “fires” that pop up at work and at home.  My fight or flight response tends to lean towards fight, but only for myself and usually in an extremely logical and sound manner.  It’s almost like an invisible checklist is put in my head and I manage to go through the items in a calm and collected way checking each one off in the proper order to ensure whatever crisis is happening is taken care of in the correct order in order to achieve maximum success (or however you want to define it).  Mad props goes to my second ex husband for making me realize this.  Ever since then, however, (and especially since I’ve been sober) I’ve noticed a continued trend.  But… being this type of person is only good for short spurts.  Being on “high-alert” is only a positive for so long until it starts to viciously fight back at you.

I work for a company that is currently considered part of the “essential businesses” allowed to continue operations during this terrifying pandemic and right now I am having a terrible quarrel with myself over it because I’m beyond exhausted.  I’m absolutely grateful that I am one of the few who, today, still has a job to go to and money coming in the door.  At the same time, I feel so distracted that I know I’m not performing to the best of my abilities.  But then you go back to the fact that if I didn’t have work to keep me busy and out of my own head, I would essentially be forced to be my single, sober self in my home with two cats and a no other physical interactions with other humans for an undetermined amount of time.  So far, I don’t like how that last scenario plays out in my head.  I don’t think I would relapse, but I’ve also never been put in that situation yet.  Too many unknowns are flying all around that.

I had a panic attack inside the Wal-Mart last Friday.  I ran out to lunch during the workday and volunteered to see if any of the stores had hand sanitizer to refill the bottles at work while I was out.  Mistake.  I haven’t had a full on panic attack since before I got sober and I had forgotten how scary they are.  I walked in to the Wal-Mart and felt like everyone was going to jump on me and get me sick.  I swear everyone was walking straight towards me.  My chest tightened up and I started taking extremely shallow breaths.  I was terrified of breathing someone else’s contaminated air.

This all happened so quickly.  I was already feeling uncomfortable since I had gone through Target and another store to see if I could find any.  But this… this was a million times worse and came on so fast.  I ended up making only a partial lap through the store before I had to turn around and get the f**k out of there.  NOW.  By the time I was in the parking lot, the chest pains were terrible.

However, with the bad comes the good.  I was able to call my psych dr. and do a telehealth call with him immediately.  I explained what happened and he called me in a non-addictive, non-controlled substance prescription to take if/when these come on or before I know I’ll be in a situation like that again.  So I learned about telehealth calls and it was super easy.

I don’t know when things will be back to “normal”, but I could really use a break.  If anyone has any ideas on how to get your zen back in freakish times like these, I would sure appreciate any suggestions!

There is some good that is coming out of all of this.  I’ve heard that some smog has cleared and other natural things are getting a break from human waste.  Also, the telehealth thing is super cool.  But the thing that I have most needed and appreciated has been the amazing humor that has popped up all over!  Sure, this is terrible, but this woman still needs to laugh.

Here’s my fave.  Hope you enjoy!  Sending more love and good thoughts!

 

6 thoughts on “Day 859 – Not Sure How to Title This

  1. wow – i completely identify with the “calmly fight/complete checklist” way of coping with stress, and yes, this can backfire if sustained for too long a period of time. It’s soooooo important to go easy on ourselves, especially if you’re still working ! This is extremely hard, and it’s 100% normal to feel the way you do. Apart from the great advice given by everyone (especially limiting news time!), I would add doing some yoga/meditation, even if it’s 5 or 10 minutes a day. It really helps. Oh, and mooooore jokes 🙂 xxx Hang in there !!! xxx Anne

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  2. The jokes doing the rounds from this are great aren’t they! Anxiety is a normal response to this as it’s a real threat so we have to do what we can to stay safe and stay sane – I’m trying to contain my news/social media time and really focus on the little pleasures of life – food, sex, my walk each day, yoga – stay strong! 💞💞

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  3. I have been walking and biking. It helps so much.
    My husband has me on a schedule, and we make plans each evening for the next day.
    You are not alone with anxiety. Last week was worse for me, but this week, I’ve calmed down. Just calling people, keeping hope alive. This too will pass.
    xo
    Wendy

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  4. Best advice I can give is what I myself re-learned over the last week and a half of not really being at work (I’m essential too but we’re on a rotation so I only work a couple days a week and I was sick all last week): schedules are so important! I had let mine go and was waking up at noon and getting nothing done all day… staying up til 1 or 2 am watching movies. I felt miserable and sick all the time. Finally forced myself to start getting up in the AM again and throwing myself into school work or whatever work I can do from home. I feel a million times better. Just avoid the news and all the noise around you about this crap… nobody knows what they’re talking about except for the doctors and nobody is listening to them anyway lol. It’s gonna get worse before it gets better, but we’ll come through it eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Excellent advice! I honestly think it’s a matter of when not if that we are pared down to a skeleton crew, if anything. And since I can’t fix aircraft, I prob wouldn’t be considered essential at that point, so the schedule idea is definitely something to keep in mind.
      Amazingly I haven’t been making amazon purchases as much as usual. When this threat became a reality, I figured I should start focusing more on needs than wants. Aside from glitter. That’s an essential for me. 🤣🤣🤣
      Sending socially distanced, but virtually close hugs!! 🥰🥰🥰

      Liked by 1 person

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