Day 1,174 – The Neck Saga Continues

Dear Sobriety,

Went in to go over my MRI results today and exclaimed a huge, “YESSSS!” when the doctor told me I wasn’t faking it. 😛 Dear goodness! It’s nice to actually have “evidence” that there is actually something that is causing all this painful nonsense. Lucky me always has to go above and beyond too. Not only do I have one disc bulging, but I actually have three. Two are mild and one is herniated. The herniated one is actually pressing on my spinal cord. He told me there’s nothing serious, but damn that sounds freaking serious to me.

Next steps: neck doctor is handing me over to their pain management specialist in the same office to do trigger injections. Now I just have to wait for them to get the insurance to approve trigger injections, then schedule the injections, then get injection. That’ll be followed by restarting of PT and hopefully some well deserved relief. I was so proud of myself for telling him I hadn’t had any headaches in the last two days and as soon as I walked out of the office to my car, one kicked in. Oy. There is at least a little more light at the end of the tunnel. I’m quite looking forward to the next crazy thing in my life to talk to you all about because this subject is getting way old to me.

I have been doing some very, very light yoga for upper body that I found on Prime. Here’s a link to it. It’s a 40 minute very slow floor stretching video and so far the furthest I’ve made it is 16 minutes. It’s so freaking weird how quickly my arm tires out sitting on the floor stretching. The first time I did it, I made it 12 minutes before my arm was literally shaking like I’d been pumping some serious iron and getting Arnold ripped. I never would have guessed how seriously a neck issue would mess with other parts of your body, but I guess it makes sense.

I appreciate all the support I’ve received on here! Just taking it ODAAT (One Day At A Time) and doing my best to move forward (very, very slowly).

Sending loads of love and light to y’all!

The kitties say HI too!

Day 1,172 – The What Ifs…

Dear Sobriety,

A whole slew of damning ideas of what’s going on with my neck and shoulder have been flying through my head for a while now. MRI was on Friday and results review is on this Tuesday. So glad they were able to get me in as quickly as they could. I think the scariest what if that has popped up in my brain space is: What if nothing wrong shows up on the MRI?

My 95 year old arthritic toe has been giving me fits for about… oh… five years now. I go in every few months to my podiatrist’s office for a cortisone shot which does nothing to fix the problem and is probably only making it worse in the long run. I went to a foot orthopedic specialist last year or maybe 2019? It’s all blurring together anymore. He told me the same thing that my podiatrist said, “It’s not bad enough for me to do anything.” Why? Does that mean the pain levels I deal with on a regular basis mean nothing? I guess I should wait for you to call me and tell me that it’s bad enough to do something, huh?

At my last podiatrist’s visit, November 2019, they took new x-rays of my foot and told me that yep, the arthritis is getting worse. Soooooo… can you do anything yet? Nope. Just continue with the cortisone every three+ months as needed. I really do not understand how people deal with arthritis on a regular basis because this is literally in my right big toe. That’s a very small joint. The pain has been bad enough for me to nearly fall while walking. Quick suck in of breath, stop, wait, continue to limp to wherever I need to be or else walk with terrible form to try and avoid that toe from bending at all.

Ugh. Yesterday was horrible. Since January 21 I’ve had headaches every single day of varying severity. Yesterday was the worst so far. I’m sure the rain all day didn’t help either.

One thing that is stuck in the back of my mind is from a blood test I had in 2018. I left the blood lab and on the way home I got a call from my doctor. That. Is. Not. Normal. The office personnel, sure, but not a call from the actual doctor about 20 minutes after you’ve left. My white blood cell count was noticeably up. Since then I’ve gone to follow up with a blood/cancer doctor (which is scary as sh!t, btw) and apparently this raises WBC count is my “new normal”. Does that even make sense? So what’s in the back of my mind is that something started then and my body has been trying to fight it off and it’s finally manifested into something physical. So many thoughts swirling in this over-active noggin of mine.

Looking forward to hopefully getting an answer and plan of action for something on Tuesday. But then the what ifs start… And what if it’s nothing? Is this my new life?

Day 1,168 – Part Deux

Dear Sobriety,

Thank goodness we’re still talking. Yesterday… ugh. I feel like I’m still recovering from it. If you’d like to read about the 7th layer of Hell, feel free to over here. Thankfully the rest of the day wasn’t as terrible. I had my follow up with the neck doctor and he’s decided to hold on my PT sessions until further notice. Thank goodness! Do I think they’ve been beneficial? For my shoulder, yes. For my neck, f*ck no.

Got a call from the imaging office and have an MRI scheduled for Friday! Follow up to review results the following Tuesday! I think there’s some light at the end of my vertabraeic (real word) tunnel! All I want to do now is get my oil diffusers running, snuggle cats and wrap myself in a blanket with a mega cup of hot tea. That sounds absolutely magical.

No way I life by myself

Aside from my parents and sis, I’m so freaking thankful for Butthead right now. My parents get to see me at my worst, but Butthead gets to see me three levels beyond that. Hey, guess what? Just because you get sober doesn’t me life stops for you. Sh!t continues to hit the fan and blow back on you. You’re still gonna have crappy days. Sometimes multiples at a time. But you’ll be better apt to deal with them. It’s still going to suck big, hairy balls, but think about it: if I was still drinking on top of the amount of pain I’m in, I’m fairly sure I would not be alive. For serious. Between pain, depression from pain, pain increasing depression because I feel like I’m not living my best me right now topped off by a bit more pain, I would have made a super f*cking bad decision that doesn’t allow me to hit the reset button afterewards.

For today, I’m grateful I have such a strong support system surrounding me. There’s no way I would be able to get through this without them. Non-alcoholic beverage of choice cheers to those you put up with my nonsense on the daily. You guys are freaking rockstars!

Take a minute today to thank your support system. And if you don’t have a reliable one, I’d highly suggest putting in the effort to build one. You never know when you’ll need a shoulder to cry on and I know, for me, I need multiple.

Day 1,167 – Vacation Day from Hell

Dear Sobriety,

It’ll be a miracle if we’re still talking later. I took the day off today to go for my annual primary care visit as well as a follow up from my neck doctor. I assumed I would be getting a blood draw, so prior to my 9:30a PCP appointment, I guzzled about 85 oz of water. (That’s 10 oz over my daily goal of 75 oz). I’ve learned it’s easier to draw blood from me when I’m water logged, so I make it a point to do this prior to every blood draw that I know about. Seeing as how I’ve had some white blood cell count issues, I’m used to the drill.

Also, you might need to know that most women will schedule one doctor appointment around the time of their period. That would be the OB-GYN because there’s going to be some action happening in that area and, for me, I feel better and less gross when she doesn’t have to deal with blood when she’s already dealing in my hoo-ha area. I do not schedule a PCP appointment around my period, so it was just dumb luck that I happened to be on it today.

9:27a arrive at PCP office, check in, update my insurance card on file.

9:32a go back to patient room, blood pressure check, chit chat with the overtalkative nurse going over my meds with me. I had my shoes off to get weighed. When I sat down after my BP was checked, I started putting them back on and the nurse told me that I need to keep them off and strip down to my panties and put the gown on that has been so nicely set aside. My first thought is, “wtf kind of appointment is this?” I had previously seen this doctor twice. Neither time have I been asked to derobe. I do it anyway.

9:38a awkwardly sitting on the exam table in the gown. Pain shooting through my body from my neck and trying not to bleed on anything.

9:40a it is so freaking hot in here and that is not helping at all. Start sweating and breathing erratically through my face mask.

9:45a hear someone making a phone call… is that… is that my doctor doing a telehealth call with a patient when I’m already 15 min over my appointment time sitting naked in her office trying to stop squirming and fearful there’s going to be a spot underneath me when I get up.

9:50a it is a Telehealth call. Oh that’s wonderful that that woman is a vegetarian. I have got to get up and move around. Stiffness is soaking in everywhere. I get up and rearrange my clothes that I had haphazardly thrown on the chair when changing into the robe assuming that the doctor would be in shortly and I sit on the side chair. No blood spots so far. Thank goodness it’s a light day.

10:00a F*CK THIS SHIT! I cannot breathe in this mask. The telehealth call is STILL going on. I give her 5 more minutes. Pain is literally shooting through my body. I’m don’t even want to amuse myself by looking through the cabinets.

10:05a I start putting my clothes on. Throw the gown on the sink where I got it. I have to get out of here. I cannot breathe. Everything hurts. F*ck this. I’m out. Dressed and out the door. No one notices. I’m 15 minutes into my drive home before I get a call from the doctor’s office. They must have noticed I left finally.

I’m so glad I left. I ugly cried the whole time home. I probably shouldn’t have driven at all. I was literally convulsing from how strong the sobs were being retched through my body.

Finally at home. Called mom and dad. First thing mom says is, “Do you want us to come over?” God I love my parents. Always there no matter what. They talked me off the ledge and I finally calmed down. The kitties got wet food and I’m about to head out the door for the neck doctor. If it’s anything like the PCP, there will most definitely be a part two to this.

Forgive me for the horrific grammar. I just needed to get this out.

Oh and just realized that I have been pushing out of my mind that my very favorite teacher in the world passed away from a short bout with cancer. She was such a beautiful soul.

Jeeze louis. Here’s hoping part two is much better than part one.

Day 1,164 – Self Reflection

Dear Sobriety,

I want to take a moment to thank myself for not giving up on me. To thank myself for doing what I can to continue to try at life. To reflect on the fact that I’m proud of myself for putting effort into whatever actions I can take to create a positive on my neck, shoulder and overall mental health. While I feel I’m at my wit’s end most days lately, I’ve still been walking. I’ve still been eating healthy(ish). I’ve still been doing my PT exercises. I’ve still logged in for work and tried my best while I’m on the clock. I know that my effort is not nearly where it is when I’m 100% healthy, positive Monica, I have not stopped trying to make a difference.

From my walk this morning.

Today, my lovely arthritic toe decided it’s going to start f*cking up with the rest of me. I could have easily given myself a raincheck for walking today, but I didn’t. I needed to drop my rent check off, so I walked slowly to the office to drop it off and once around the big lake and back. I’m proud of myself for that effort. I know how much it positively impacts my mental health and I also am aware of the fact that my mental health is sh!t right now, so I put the effort in to doing what I can to help myself.

I took a hot shower this morning and actually shaved my legs. Do I have anyone to impress aside from myself right now? No. Do I enjoy the way my legs feel after they’re shorn and properly lotioned up? Absolutely. I did that for me. I put effort into something I knew may positively impacted my headspace and I think that’s the reason why I’m actually writing right now.

Despite the fact that I feel like every part of me is in the toilet currently, I’m still doing the small things that I know may help. My essential oils are diffusing in all three of my diffusers. I made a mad scientist oil concoction yesterday and I am so in love with how it smells. I have incense burning. I love watching the smoke curl and swirl throughout the air. I put on a prehnite crystal necklace because you never know when crystals will help. I ordered a copper magnetic necklace yesterday because my dad has a copper magnetic bracelet that he swears by now.

My mad scientist essential oil lab.

I budgeted in my upcoming doctor/PT appointments and I ordered groceries Thursday. I’m really proud of myself for that. I hate looking at my money, but I sure as sh!t love spending it. I didn’t budget in any of my appointments for the end of December/beginning of January and that was a bad idea. As much as I hate finances and trying to budget, I know that I’ll be able to not charge any of the upcoming appointments and still be able to eat plenty.

So, Monica Sue, be proud of you because you haven’t given up. You are taking action to positively impact you in different ways and I know how hard it is to do that especially since the it feels like the world is working against you right now. I’m proud of you for being you.

Day 1,159 – Fear…

Dear Sobriety,

Today I have the day off work, so why wouldn’t I wake up at 4:00a and get my walk in before journaling? Yeah. I’ve done both of those already. Figured I might as well be productive on my day off as yesterday and the day before I won the award for most naps taken in a two day period. Woohoo! I love naps. I think as an adult, I’m trying to make up for what I missed out as a child (sorry, mom!).

Yesterday I started digging into a book that has been gathering dust on my shelf for a bit now: Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies. I am in love with this book already. My previous boss suggested it to me and I am so thankful she did! Wait wait wait… after typing a couple of sentences, I realized how out-of-whack this post was going to end up being, so instead of starting in the middle, how about I start at the beginning? And end at the ending?

“Growth”

I love calendars. Calendars and clocks. I don’t know why, but they make me happy. I ordered my 2021 wall calendar from Nicole Piar (she created the Oracle deck that I purchased last year). Of course it’s more Spirit Cats because Spirit Cats make me happy. When I put it up before the end of December, I noticed that on January 1st, there was a small note, “Declare your word of the year”. I was immediately hit with the word “growth”.

Year one of sobriety was essentially me learning how to adult on my own as an adult. That sh!t is not easy either. The majority of my time was spent just trying to figure out things I actually enjoyed doing because I realized at 36, I had no f**king clue who I was or what I liked. I still have limited knowledge, but I’m learning more every day.

Pulled from Oprah.com

Year two of sobriety was a continuation of figuring out who I am, but was so freaking tumultuous with real life being thrown in my face (new apartment, identity thievery, the ‘rona, new job), that most days I was just happy to have made a conscious decision to not drink that day. I removed the excuses from myself and, while I may not have always moved forward in a continuous motion, at least I didn’t step back. I must have prayed for patience. Heaven help you if you ever pray for patience because your patience levels will be tested.

Year three of sobriety has been interesting to say the least and we’re only… hmmmm (mathing in my head) Good Lord! Only two months in; however, I feel like Years One and Two have prepped me to make Year Three a year where I make positive changes for myself. I’ve had a lot of sh!t bombs explode in my face and I’m still here to tell the tales. I’d even venture to say that I’m no longer just surviving… Dare I say living?! Dare! Dare!!

Now we’re caught up. So yesterday I started reading Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies and I am absolutely in love with this book! For one, the author love glitter just as much as I do and two, I think it’s serendipitous that I picked this book off my shelf when my word of the year is “growth”. So far I’d describe it as a very constructive, real-life how-to guide at creating a more positive version of yourself. My motto on life is if I’m not learning, I’m not living. With the lovely double negative there, I think you get my point. Anyway, Tara Brach is mentioned in the midst of one of the exercises, so of course, I had to get my Googles on and find out more about her.

Pulled from Oprah.com

This morning while walking, I queued up the most recent podcast by Tara Brach. It’s about “cultivating a courageous heart”. This is something I needed to hear. I am still having a lot of very reactive feelings when it comes to Butthead’s family. And as much as I hate being the “bigger person”, I know it does me no good to sit and wallow in negative feelings. I think one of the things that is holding me back from digging in to root causes is because I am 99.756493658% sure that I won’t have to see these people in real life for at least a year. The thing is, despite that, I’m still hung up on it. That’s only holding me back from being a better version of myself.

What would I really like to do? Yell, scream, cuss at them and try, in some very condensed way, to make them feel like I did when sh!t went down. What good would that really do? Nothing. In fact, if that ever actually happened, I’d prob pop an artery and that wouldn’t be good at all. The podcast today was about finding compassion and handling the reactivity from negative people, places and things. How perfect is this??!!! See? Serendipitous.

It’s hard to find compassion for others when you’ve been hurt so badly by them. And I know it’s something that’s going to take a lot of time to heal still. My therapist and I have already discussed this ad nauseum, so it’s been on my mind since Butthead and I started seeing each other again. For me to heal fully, I am going to have to take action.

After journaling today, I think I’ve pinpointed where I’m hung up: my anger stems from fear. Fear of being discarded without a second thought by people around Butthead. They’ve influenced him before to this level, so in my opinion, this is a very rational fear. I’ve lived it once. How do I allow myself to be vulnerable in order to find compassion?

Looks like this one is going to need some thought…

Sending love and light!

Pulled from Oprah.com

Day 1,156 – I like big butts?

Dear Sobriety,

Why am I so obsessed with my weight and BMI? I’m a tallish woman and (IMHO) proportioned well. Sure I could use to lose a couple of pounds – as I’m currently settled ~174 lbs – but I’m very happy with the way I look physically now. Which is a miracle like no other for the person who’s had body image issues since high school. So what’s my problem?

My physical self and I have come to an understanding: I try not purposely f**k you up and you reciprocate. The motivation behind my walking is more so for my upper body, get blood pumping to push out inflammation and mental health. I’m not actively trying to lose weight, but, at the same time, I am being very aware of how I am fueling myself. I would have assumed I would have dropped at least a couple pounds by now in the last three months. Instead, I’ve actually gained. BUT my clothes fit better. I feel better. I think I appear to be a little more toned sans clothing. I use the argument that muscle weighs more than fat and apparently I’m actually building some up. SO WHY AM I STUCK ON THIS??

Is it a social thing? I actually don’t compare myself with other women anymore (for the most part – we all have our weak moments). I don’t want to be anyone but myself anymore is maybe a better way to put it. In the past almost three years, I’ve stayed at a consistent size which I am quite happy with, but this dang number is hanging over my head. And heaven help me if I use a BMI chart… that doesn’t even give me a chance. It immediately says I’m obese.

I finally took my scale out of my bathroom and put it under my dresser so that I wouldn’t be able to obsessively weight myself every morning. Then, for some reason, after I walk today, I decide to use the height/waist comparison and I’m still overweight in that category. Lord knows that I know everyone is different and there’s no chart or scale that is able to categorize everyone as an individual, but I am still hung up on it. Ugh.

That had nothing to do with alcohol or sobriety. Just needed to get the rant out of my head an on “paper”. Hopefully that’ll help me let it go and move past it. We shall see. For now, the scale is staying under my dresser and I think it’s time to hug a cat or two.

Sending love and light to you all!!! ❤

Day 1,153 – Dr. #3

Dear Sobriety,

After PT last Thursday, the therapist suggested the pain and crap going on in my body is being caused by what she thinks is a bulging disc in my neck. When I got home I immediately called the office where I got the 2nd opinion on my shoulder and scheduled an appointment with a sports medicine doctor. That appointment was today.

I have to say that the office that I’ve been going to is pretty incredible. Excellent customer service and the fact that I was able to get in so quickly was a bonus. Neck xrays this time. More poking and prodding and it was a heavy pain day, so that was fun. I actually thought that I was starting to get better as I had tried some at home DIY traction. There wasn’t immediate relief with it, but by Saturday I had NO pain. NONE. Stiffness and a little sore, sure, but compared to what I have felt like for the past year, that was an absolute walk in the park. Yesterday my neck started getting a little more stiff and today… back to square one.

The arrow points to where most of my pain lies

The appointment went as well as can be expected. I do like the doctor who was treating me. Xrays came back negative for a bulging disc, but may have to investigate further with an MRI. I’d never had an MRI in my life until June 2020 and now it looks like I may have my second one here pretty shortly. My neck is slightly curved in the opposite direction, but that’s apparently due to the amount of inflammation that’s going on inside me. If we can get that under control, it should go back to normal. He prescribed a steroid to throat punch the inflammation followed by a Rx grade anti-inflammatory to keep it on the ground. Note to self: do not take ibuprofen for a hot minute. I really don’t want to add a hole in my tummy to the list of complaints I have currently racked up. Continuing with PT and hopefully between Rx and PT, this thing will be knocked on it’s a$$ soon enough. What’s another couple of weeks when I’ve already made it this far?

The cool thing about today is that when the Dr. was rattling off the Rx that he was starting me on, I stopped him and asked, “Are either of those PAIN medications?” He looked at me and said no and the entire time Drunk Monica was screaming in my head, “JUST ASK HIM FOR THEM! HE FREAKED WHEN HE FELT HOW KNOTTED YOU ARE AND HE CAN LITERALLY SEE THE PAIN YOU’RE FEELING IN YOUR FACE!! YOU DESERVE THIS!!!” Had he paused for any longer than he did between saying no and starting up with some more info, Drunk Monica would have won. Luckily, I was able to keep her in her box and re-gag her before she completely broke free.

Evie loves helping with my PT @ home

All day long as the pain continued to mount, she was right there and I was able to keep her at bay. So for me, today is a win in regards to sobriety. This is not advice I would recommend on a regular basis, but I believe it’s appropriate for today: sometimes the best way through a difficult situation is avoidance/ignorance. I’m referring to Drunk Monica and her committee in my head. That crew never takes a break. In a way, I just pretended I didn’t hear her and she didn’t mention it again. Thank goodness…

So… back to square one with my orthopedic issues, I suppose, but this is the first time I’ve been prescribed any meds (cortisone injections in my shoulder not included).

In other news, I just renewed my apartment lease again!! Never thought I would be able to say that based on my apartment hopping history. This is the beginning of my third year at this beautiful little place the kitties and I call home and we’re super excited.

Getting the notice from the apt office did cause a bit of stress though, but after careful consideration and putting my needs first, I believe I made the right decision for myself and Butthead. I thought about including him on the conversation, but he wasn’t available to talk when I was, so I just decided that the healthiest thing for the both of us is for us to continue having our separate spaces. The fact that he’s on a work assignment out-of-town through Summer helped. The other factor is that his 20 year old son is still living at their home. Definitely not ready to jump back in to that pond yet. Especially without checking to see if the water is warm.

#Truth!

This is the first time I’ve put myself first when it comes to a living together situation. To be honest, it is really bad timing for us to move in together; at the same time it’s nice to know that I’ve gained enough respect for myself to truly value my own opinion. That sounds absolutely ridiculous, but it is 110% true. Any other time in my life, if a lease was to expire and I was in a relationship, there was no question of what the best option was. I was full-bore running naked off the edge of a cliff into the depths of the unknown without hesitation. Needless to say, I saw it as the only option because it was the most unhealthy one and Drunk Monica digs sh!t like that.

That’s all I got for now! Sending love and light out into this world that truly needs it right now. Prayers for peace for all.

Day 1,148 | 0 – Aye Caramba

Dear Sobriety,

My motivation app knows me too well

Well, this is what honest sobriety is all about. Smoking won yesterday, but the good thing is that I’m still sober and I have regained what little sanity I have left. This pain… I found my max and went beyond it yesterday. Call it an excuse, if you’d like, but the fact that I’m not drinking is a freaking miracle right now.

Fourth session of PT was today. When I had started going to this PT, she had asked me if this was truly all rotator cuff or if I’ve ever had any neck issues. I assumed based on where the pain was located and what the two doctors and one chiropractor had told me that it was rotator cuff. Welp. After talking with the PT today and her once again working on all the mega knots in my neck and shoulder area, she suggested I see someone who will take a look at my neck. She thinks I have a bulged disc in my neck. That explains a lot. The shoulder pain may be referring from the actual injury(?) point. And the fact that this is not getting any better – in fact, it’s gotten worse – is suggesting that my body is trying to hide an injury. So now I have another appointment made with another doctor to look at my neck. Now do you understand the title of this one?

I’m so beyond my limits right now. There’s only so far that NSAIDs, essential oils, hot showers/baths, ice packs, easy stretching and praying will go. After taking a handful of Advil, a dropperful of cbd oil and turning on all my oil diffusers with calming oils, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I needed something and, Heaven help me, I needed it RIGHT NOW.

Between frustration of dealing with excessive chronic pain for too long and anxiety of trying to do the “right” thing, I could almost feel my head trying to blow off my shoulders. The committee was working overtime yesterday trying to get me to find some quick relief in something ANYTHING (aka alcohol) and that was where I had to draw the line. Sure, smoking isn’t good for me, but the chances of me doing something incredibly stupid (ie. self-harm, getting fired, damaging a relationship) are much less with smoking than with drinking. So the lesser of two evils it is.

I really abhor reading a constant stream of complaints in blogs. To me, complaining does no one any good. Does it fix anything? No. Does it make me feel better? No. It usually makes me feel worse, to be quite honest. Is it taking an active role in changing whatever it is that is bothering me? Nope. It just makes me feel sh!tty cause I feel like I’m handing out full bags of vomit to my friends and family that I complain to expecting them to do something brilliant with it. Which… after typing that, I realized that I have actually handed a bag of vomit to Butthead when I was in the ER after my mega binge. And handing a bag of your own vomit to someone else because there’s nothing you can do with in on your own is not a good feeling. So I can confirm that it is not a pleasant experience for anyone involved. Neither the hander or the receiver of the vomit.

I really am doing my best to stay positive about this. What is keeping me going right now is the sheer fact that I haven’t lost hope. So… one more day to grin and bear it. Thankfully, I have two floofs of love to help distract me.

Evie, “Don’t tell him we’re snuggling. His booty is so warm and fluffy!!!”

Day 1,147 | 4 – Flibbertigibbet

Dear Sobriety,

I’m going to start adding my days smoke free after my days alcohol free in my title I think. I haven’t decided firmly yet. I think it’s going to be mostly based on whether I remember. I do love consistency, but I don’t consistently remember to be consistent. Got that? Ok.

I meant to write about this the other day, but completely forgot until I pulled an affirmation card today and so here I am! Also, after just writing a couple of paragraphs already, I should probably note that since quitting smoking, my attention span is about on the same level as a goldfish; therefore, there is going to be even more jumping from topic to topic than on average. Sorry about that. While writing that goldfish bit, I finally came up with a title to this blog and I so love the fact that “flibbertigibbet” is a real word and not just something Meg Ryan came up with on the fly in Joe Versus the Volcano.

Affirmation card for 01/06/2021

Pulling this affirmation card today reminded me that I had intended to write the other day. The pain level that I’m dealing with on a daily basis is outside of my comfort zone. I like to think that I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but I’m starting to learn that I do not have any tolerance for chronic high level pain. I could use some chronic to get me through this pain. Jiminy Christmas.

How many other people have image searched “horse tranquilizer meme”?

I do really like the physical therapy office that I ended up choosing. The therapist that I’m working with is funny and seems to like her job, so that’s a bonus. But I’m about at my max. I don’t know how much longer I can stand this before I start running to an urgent care crying for some narcotic pain meds and muscle relaxers. I just need… something. Is this something non-addicts think? Do they ever think they could use something stronger than Advil, but slightly less than ketamine? I’m assuming a non-addict probably doesn’t know what ketamine is actually. I’ve never actually tried it and that’s only because it’s never been something I’ve searched out, but I do believe something categorized as a horse tranq would probably get me where I’d like to be. As my papa bear says, I might still hurt, but I’m not going to care.

Saturday and Sunday were pretty decent days, but Monday something happened overnight. I don’t know if my cats had a disco party on the bed, but a sharp pain woke me up from a dead sleep as I was turning over in bed. Since then, there’s been fitful sleep at best and just a constant ache spreading all across my shoulders/neck/back/anything attached to it/headache. Needless to say, I am not in the best of moods. Pain + quitting smoking is giving me ample ammo to start fights with the people I love. And they’d probably all give me free passes to be an a$$hole currently, but I don’t want to be. Like… for reals. I don’t want to be an a$$hole. My tolerance level for life is just at a supreme low right now.

I’m just… I’m just stuck right now. I’ve been continuing my walking in the mornings because cardio is a mood elevator and, if nothing else, I feel like I’m able to honestly say I accomplished something positive today. Right now I’m not craving pills and/or alcohol. Actually def not alcohol, but I am craving relief. It’s been over a year of this continuing to worsen and I am over it. OVER. IT.

From my Motivation App

So I got this ping from my motivation app the other day, “When you feel terrible, your life still goes on; just do what you need to do and you’ll be proud of yourself for pushing through a bad day.” Serendipitous? Yeah. I thought so too. And I am proud of the fact that I keep pushing. I might be pushing standing still, but at least I’m not being pushed backwards by someone/thing else.

For as sh!tty as I feel, I am proud of the fact that I am actively working on getting better. With PT, walking and, in general, not giving up, I feel like I am still trying at least. But F**K. I’m looking forward to that day when I wake up and realize I haven’t complained about my neck and shoulder in a month. That’ll be a good day and make all these craptastic days worth it.