Dear Sobriety,

I’m kicking myself for the fact that I’m emotionally disturbed right now. My uncle’s wife, as well as one of my friends at work, are going through some serious health issues and my p!ssy mood seems so miniscule in proportion. But here I am… on a rainy Friday in January typing away because my brain has been nonstop spinning since earlier today.

So Butthead and I have been back together for a little over a year and I feel like he doesn’t think I’m worthy enough to bring back around his family. I have yet to see any of them in person aside from his cousin who he is closest with. This bothers me. This bothers me to no end. It was not my fault we broke up. It was not me who kicked him out of my house. I could sit here and b!tch, but the more I’m actively thinking about it, the more I just want to sit here and cry and just make it all go away.

Fortunately my stubbornness has kept me from drinking. It sounds d@mn good right now, but I know I’d only be f**king myself over if I went down that path. Also, another thing that’s kept me away is knowing that my emotions would absolutely sky rocket and I would say/text things that I can’t take back. That’s a bonus in sobriety. The ability to pause. It doesn’t always work, but 85% of the time it usually wins out over a$$holery.

Another thing on my sobriety plate is the fact that I have foot surgery scheduled Monday to fix my 95 year old arthritic toe. Not fix, fix, but fix well enough so I’m hopefully not begging for a cortisone shot every three months. So we shall see. What’s surgery got to do with sobriety, you ask??? I shall tell you, young grasshopper. It may be minor surgery, but I betcha it’ll come with a pretty good chance of opioids. Yep. My drug of choice will always be alcohol, but damn. Pain pills come in a close second for me.

I’ve been thinking about this for the last couple of week. Rationalizing and then telling on myself to my parents or Butthead. Then rationalizing how “two days” won’t hurt anything. Good news / bad news is that I’m fairly certain it will.

In 2018, I busted my other ankle dashing across my apartment to stop my unbalanced washer from bouncing through my wall into my neighbor’s apartment. I went to urgent care and they gave me pain pills. I think the script was for five days. They were gone by day two. Then I was constipated and had cravings for a week. It was sh!tty. I was just under a year sober and I was back to having super strong cravings. I overate desserts and worked a lot of O/T that week.

Being four years sober, I’m (thankfully) much further away from those physical cravings. Unfortunately, I’m concerned with how I would respond to them. Especially given my f**k the world attitude of current.

I don’t know. Sh!t happens. Like I said, my sh!t is nothing compared to some people close to me and I feel like sh!ttier sh!t for complaining about it.

Yeah. Woohoo! Go positive Monica, go! Meh… I’m not always positive, but so far my track record for getting through bad days is 100%. Stupid slogans playing in my head.

It just sucks cause I felt like “this time” would be different with Butthead. But I also said that after my 2nd ex husband would apologize for punching me in the face. Am I ignoring red flags? No physical abuse is happening, so don’t worry about that. Just an example of how I’ve ignored very obvious red flags before. Ugh.

Sorry for being a Debbie Downer. I was hoping typing this would help to get it out of my head and make me feel better. Instead it’s only made me realize just how real my feelings are.

Sending love and light to all. Don’t drink, d@mmit.

8 thoughts on “Day 1,520: Brain Drain…

  1. Hi Monica!
    I’m sorry about your toe, but glad you are getting it fixed. I’m like Jacquelyn, no problems with pain pills, but it seems like a good thing to stay away from if possible. I find most of the opioid pills they give you don’t really help me with pain, just make me woozy.
    In our state they are very regulated, and doctors don’t give many.

    Never apologize for writing your true feelings. It’s how we get things out, and sometimes helps us realize patterns, or ways to help ourselves.
    Big hugs,
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Monica! Aside from I love my WP friends, either things down really helps me. Then I get honest feedback which is so helpful. Unfortunately it is kind of odd he hasn’t brought you around the family, after all it’s been a year.
    I’ve never had an addiction to pills but you are so strong with your alcohol you can so be with the pills! 😃 If it gets too much is there anyone that can disputes them to you when needed? I’m doing so good with my alcohol however I still can’t have it in the house. I don’t know if that will ever change! Good luck with your surgery! You got this! How are your kitties? I think I remember you had 2?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I applaud you Monica for expressing your feelings and not pushing them down. That’s huge! You are human. You are worthy. Show the same kindness and understanding you’d give to others to yourself. Sending light and love to you my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

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