Day 1,172 – The What Ifs…

Dear Sobriety,

A whole slew of damning ideas of what’s going on with my neck and shoulder have been flying through my head for a while now. MRI was on Friday and results review is on this Tuesday. So glad they were able to get me in as quickly as they could. I think the scariest what if that has popped up in my brain space is: What if nothing wrong shows up on the MRI?

My 95 year old arthritic toe has been giving me fits for about… oh… five years now. I go in every few months to my podiatrist’s office for a cortisone shot which does nothing to fix the problem and is probably only making it worse in the long run. I went to a foot orthopedic specialist last year or maybe 2019? It’s all blurring together anymore. He told me the same thing that my podiatrist said, “It’s not bad enough for me to do anything.” Why? Does that mean the pain levels I deal with on a regular basis mean nothing? I guess I should wait for you to call me and tell me that it’s bad enough to do something, huh?

At my last podiatrist’s visit, November 2019, they took new x-rays of my foot and told me that yep, the arthritis is getting worse. Soooooo… can you do anything yet? Nope. Just continue with the cortisone every three+ months as needed. I really do not understand how people deal with arthritis on a regular basis because this is literally in my right big toe. That’s a very small joint. The pain has been bad enough for me to nearly fall while walking. Quick suck in of breath, stop, wait, continue to limp to wherever I need to be or else walk with terrible form to try and avoid that toe from bending at all.

Ugh. Yesterday was horrible. Since January 21 I’ve had headaches every single day of varying severity. Yesterday was the worst so far. I’m sure the rain all day didn’t help either.

One thing that is stuck in the back of my mind is from a blood test I had in 2018. I left the blood lab and on the way home I got a call from my doctor. That. Is. Not. Normal. The office personnel, sure, but not a call from the actual doctor about 20 minutes after you’ve left. My white blood cell count was noticeably up. Since then I’ve gone to follow up with a blood/cancer doctor (which is scary as sh!t, btw) and apparently this raises WBC count is my “new normal”. Does that even make sense? So what’s in the back of my mind is that something started then and my body has been trying to fight it off and it’s finally manifested into something physical. So many thoughts swirling in this over-active noggin of mine.

Looking forward to hopefully getting an answer and plan of action for something on Tuesday. But then the what ifs start… And what if it’s nothing? Is this my new life?