Day 1,164 – Self Reflection

Dear Sobriety,

I want to take a moment to thank myself for not giving up on me. To thank myself for doing what I can to continue to try at life. To reflect on the fact that I’m proud of myself for putting effort into whatever actions I can take to create a positive on my neck, shoulder and overall mental health. While I feel I’m at my wit’s end most days lately, I’ve still been walking. I’ve still been eating healthy(ish). I’ve still been doing my PT exercises. I’ve still logged in for work and tried my best while I’m on the clock. I know that my effort is not nearly where it is when I’m 100% healthy, positive Monica, I have not stopped trying to make a difference.

From my walk this morning.

Today, my lovely arthritic toe decided it’s going to start f*cking up with the rest of me. I could have easily given myself a raincheck for walking today, but I didn’t. I needed to drop my rent check off, so I walked slowly to the office to drop it off and once around the big lake and back. I’m proud of myself for that effort. I know how much it positively impacts my mental health and I also am aware of the fact that my mental health is sh!t right now, so I put the effort in to doing what I can to help myself.

I took a hot shower this morning and actually shaved my legs. Do I have anyone to impress aside from myself right now? No. Do I enjoy the way my legs feel after they’re shorn and properly lotioned up? Absolutely. I did that for me. I put effort into something I knew may positively impacted my headspace and I think that’s the reason why I’m actually writing right now.

Despite the fact that I feel like every part of me is in the toilet currently, I’m still doing the small things that I know may help. My essential oils are diffusing in all three of my diffusers. I made a mad scientist oil concoction yesterday and I am so in love with how it smells. I have incense burning. I love watching the smoke curl and swirl throughout the air. I put on a prehnite crystal necklace because you never know when crystals will help. I ordered a copper magnetic necklace yesterday because my dad has a copper magnetic bracelet that he swears by now.

My mad scientist essential oil lab.

I budgeted in my upcoming doctor/PT appointments and I ordered groceries Thursday. I’m really proud of myself for that. I hate looking at my money, but I sure as sh!t love spending it. I didn’t budget in any of my appointments for the end of December/beginning of January and that was a bad idea. As much as I hate finances and trying to budget, I know that I’ll be able to not charge any of the upcoming appointments and still be able to eat plenty.

So, Monica Sue, be proud of you because you haven’t given up. You are taking action to positively impact you in different ways and I know how hard it is to do that especially since the it feels like the world is working against you right now. I’m proud of you for being you.