Day 1,163 – Dumpster Fire

Dear Sobriety,

I don’t think I had heard of the term “dumpster fire” until last year, but what an appropriate phrase! My emotional / mental health is a big ol’ stinking dumpster fire right now. And I hate to write about this again (I wish I had some amazing, positive, encouraging, helpful topic to write about), but it’s really dragging me down. Word vomiting the other day seemed to help get the crap out of my head a little, so maybe that will help again.

Wednesday was a no pain day. I didn’t even realize it until the afternoon when I noticed I hadn’t felt or heard myself grunting throughout my movements during the day. FYI, grunting is a bad sign for me currently. My body apparently needs to try and exorcise the pain by giving it a voice. Just so you know, this does not make it any less unpleasant. When I realized there had been a severe lack of noises escaping my mouth/throat area, I go so excited! But I limited activities because I already done f*cked that up the last time I was feeling well.

The first day I was on the steroids, I ended up washing my curtains and stretching my arms/back to pull them down, put them up. Not the best idea for my current physical state, but I wasn’t hurting, so I felt cured and actually didn’t even think I needed to limit myself until I put the very last panel up. As I did I thought, “Huh… I probably shouldn’t have done this.” Of course, this is after I realized everything at this height level in my apartment needed a serious dusting, so I did that as well.

Also on Wednesday I went for a follow up with my shoulder doctor. He pushed and prodded and had me resist against him in multiple directions. No pain! No pain! So continuing PT for neck and got a renewed Rx for shoulder to continue strengthening. Woohoo! Such good news!

Yesterday (Thursday) was PT. I am still so knotted up in my neck and traps. For example, my PT runs her fingers along my neck and just down my spine and back along my shoulders and it’s like a mini machinegun is rat-a-tat-tat-ing with the amount of knots that her fingers are running over. As she was working on the sides of my neck, there was a pull on the freaking front of my head and so she started working harder. At least 45 minutes of a 60 minute session was spent working to dig knots out of me. This has been the same each time.

When I got home… I tested my limits to see where I could stretch without pushing myself… and I screamed. I literally screamed from the pain. There’s an almost constant state of dizziness that I’m fighting through. Thankfully it hasn’t been strong enough to bring on any actual nausea. Every time I turn my head, there’s creaking and cracking sounds that reverberate inside my skull.

I’m just so done. I am just so done with this. I went to Fresh Thyme yesterday to get some new essential oils cause I didn’t think I could wait for Amazon to deliver (also, Fresh Thyme actually has some store brand oils that are great quality and a very decent price). When I walked out, I had a bag with three different oils (two blends and a patchouli), patchouli incense, single use bubble bath stuff, chapstick that I grabbed at the checkout, a dark chocolate maple syrup candy bar at the checkout, a premade salad and a pint of mint chocolate chip gelato. The salad and the gelato are gone. And I don’t even give a flying f*ck. I ate that entire container while watching the new Pet Sematary and felt a little better mentally and didn’t even feel guilty at all.

I’ve spent over $300 on copays since the last week of December. I’ve got two more PT appointments scheduled for next week; a follow up with the neck dr; annual visit with my PCP. I don’t budget for this kind of expense. But did that stop me from spending the f*ck all on essential oils yesterday? No. I got one called “emotional rescue”. Obviously that was calling to me.

I just… there’s absolutely nothing positive I can say at this time.

So I will share my favorite Bernie Inauguration Meme: