Day 1,156 – I like big butts?

Dear Sobriety,

Why am I so obsessed with my weight and BMI? I’m a tallish woman and (IMHO) proportioned well. Sure I could use to lose a couple of pounds – as I’m currently settled ~174 lbs – but I’m very happy with the way I look physically now. Which is a miracle like no other for the person who’s had body image issues since high school. So what’s my problem?

My physical self and I have come to an understanding: I try not purposely f**k you up and you reciprocate. The motivation behind my walking is more so for my upper body, get blood pumping to push out inflammation and mental health. I’m not actively trying to lose weight, but, at the same time, I am being very aware of how I am fueling myself. I would have assumed I would have dropped at least a couple pounds by now in the last three months. Instead, I’ve actually gained. BUT my clothes fit better. I feel better. I think I appear to be a little more toned sans clothing. I use the argument that muscle weighs more than fat and apparently I’m actually building some up. SO WHY AM I STUCK ON THIS??

Is it a social thing? I actually don’t compare myself with other women anymore (for the most part – we all have our weak moments). I don’t want to be anyone but myself anymore is maybe a better way to put it. In the past almost three years, I’ve stayed at a consistent size which I am quite happy with, but this dang number is hanging over my head. And heaven help me if I use a BMI chart… that doesn’t even give me a chance. It immediately says I’m obese.

I finally took my scale out of my bathroom and put it under my dresser so that I wouldn’t be able to obsessively weight myself every morning. Then, for some reason, after I walk today, I decide to use the height/waist comparison and I’m still overweight in that category. Lord knows that I know everyone is different and there’s no chart or scale that is able to categorize everyone as an individual, but I am still hung up on it. Ugh.

That had nothing to do with alcohol or sobriety. Just needed to get the rant out of my head an on “paper”. Hopefully that’ll help me let it go and move past it. We shall see. For now, the scale is staying under my dresser and I think it’s time to hug a cat or two.

Sending love and light to you all!!! ❤