Day 1,148 | 0 – Aye Caramba

Dear Sobriety,

My motivation app knows me too well

Well, this is what honest sobriety is all about. Smoking won yesterday, but the good thing is that I’m still sober and I have regained what little sanity I have left. This pain… I found my max and went beyond it yesterday. Call it an excuse, if you’d like, but the fact that I’m not drinking is a freaking miracle right now.

Fourth session of PT was today. When I had started going to this PT, she had asked me if this was truly all rotator cuff or if I’ve ever had any neck issues. I assumed based on where the pain was located and what the two doctors and one chiropractor had told me that it was rotator cuff. Welp. After talking with the PT today and her once again working on all the mega knots in my neck and shoulder area, she suggested I see someone who will take a look at my neck. She thinks I have a bulged disc in my neck. That explains a lot. The shoulder pain may be referring from the actual injury(?) point. And the fact that this is not getting any better – in fact, it’s gotten worse – is suggesting that my body is trying to hide an injury. So now I have another appointment made with another doctor to look at my neck. Now do you understand the title of this one?

I’m so beyond my limits right now. There’s only so far that NSAIDs, essential oils, hot showers/baths, ice packs, easy stretching and praying will go. After taking a handful of Advil, a dropperful of cbd oil and turning on all my oil diffusers with calming oils, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I needed something and, Heaven help me, I needed it RIGHT NOW.

Between frustration of dealing with excessive chronic pain for too long and anxiety of trying to do the “right” thing, I could almost feel my head trying to blow off my shoulders. The committee was working overtime yesterday trying to get me to find some quick relief in something ANYTHING (aka alcohol) and that was where I had to draw the line. Sure, smoking isn’t good for me, but the chances of me doing something incredibly stupid (ie. self-harm, getting fired, damaging a relationship) are much less with smoking than with drinking. So the lesser of two evils it is.

I really abhor reading a constant stream of complaints in blogs. To me, complaining does no one any good. Does it fix anything? No. Does it make me feel better? No. It usually makes me feel worse, to be quite honest. Is it taking an active role in changing whatever it is that is bothering me? Nope. It just makes me feel sh!tty cause I feel like I’m handing out full bags of vomit to my friends and family that I complain to expecting them to do something brilliant with it. Which… after typing that, I realized that I have actually handed a bag of vomit to Butthead when I was in the ER after my mega binge. And handing a bag of your own vomit to someone else because there’s nothing you can do with in on your own is not a good feeling. So I can confirm that it is not a pleasant experience for anyone involved. Neither the hander or the receiver of the vomit.

I really am doing my best to stay positive about this. What is keeping me going right now is the sheer fact that I haven’t lost hope. So… one more day to grin and bear it. Thankfully, I have two floofs of love to help distract me.

Evie, “Don’t tell him we’re snuggling. His booty is so warm and fluffy!!!”