I’m going to start adding my days smoke free after my days alcohol free in my title I think. I haven’t decided firmly yet. I think it’s going to be mostly based on whether I remember. I do love consistency, but I don’t consistently remember to be consistent. Got that? Ok.
I meant to write about this the other day, but completely forgot until I pulled an affirmation card today and so here I am! Also, after just writing a couple of paragraphs already, I should probably note that since quitting smoking, my attention span is about on the same level as a goldfish; therefore, there is going to be even more jumping from topic to topic than on average. Sorry about that. While writing that goldfish bit, I finally came up with a title to this blog and I so love the fact that “flibbertigibbet” is a real word and not just something Meg Ryan came up with on the fly in Joe Versus the Volcano.
Pulling this affirmation card today reminded me that I had intended to write the other day. The pain level that I’m dealing with on a daily basis is outside of my comfort zone. I like to think that I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but I’m starting to learn that I do not have any tolerance for chronic high level pain. I could use some chronic to get me through this pain. Jiminy Christmas.
I do really like the physical therapy office that I ended up choosing. The therapist that I’m working with is funny and seems to like her job, so that’s a bonus. But I’m about at my max. I don’t know how much longer I can stand this before I start running to an urgent care crying for some narcotic pain meds and muscle relaxers. I just need… something. Is this something non-addicts think? Do they ever think they could use something stronger than Advil, but slightly less than ketamine? I’m assuming a non-addict probably doesn’t know what ketamine is actually. I’ve never actually tried it and that’s only because it’s never been something I’ve searched out, but I do believe something categorized as a horse tranq would probably get me where I’d like to be. As my papa bear says, I might still hurt, but I’m not going to care.
Saturday and Sunday were pretty decent days, but Monday something happened overnight. I don’t know if my cats had a disco party on the bed, but a sharp pain woke me up from a dead sleep as I was turning over in bed. Since then, there’s been fitful sleep at best and just a constant ache spreading all across my shoulders/neck/back/anything attached to it/headache. Needless to say, I am not in the best of moods. Pain + quitting smoking is giving me ample ammo to start fights with the people I love. And they’d probably all give me free passes to be an a$$hole currently, but I don’t want to be. Like… for reals. I don’t want to be an a$$hole. My tolerance level for life is just at a supreme low right now.
I’m just… I’m just stuck right now. I’ve been continuing my walking in the mornings because cardio is a mood elevator and, if nothing else, I feel like I’m able to honestly say I accomplished something positive today. Right now I’m not craving pills and/or alcohol. Actually def not alcohol, but I am craving relief. It’s been over a year of this continuing to worsen and I am over it. OVER. IT.
So I got this ping from my motivation app the other day, “When you feel terrible, your life still goes on; just do what you need to do and you’ll be proud of yourself for pushing through a bad day.” Serendipitous? Yeah. I thought so too. And I am proud of the fact that I keep pushing. I might be pushing standing still, but at least I’m not being pushed backwards by someone/thing else.
For as sh!tty as I feel, I am proud of the fact that I am actively working on getting better. With PT, walking and, in general, not giving up, I feel like I am still trying at least. But F**K. I’m looking forward to that day when I wake up and realize I haven’t complained about my neck and shoulder in a month. That’ll be a good day and make all these craptastic days worth it.