Day 912 – THIRTY MONTHS

Dear Sobriety,

Just want to spread a little cheer this morning. The only reason I’m able to laugh at myself is because I’m sober today. Lemme know if you need the number to my therapist for my “I woke up this way” pic. 💖💖💖

Happy Caturday, y’all!!

Day 903 – Freedom of Letting Go

Dear Sobriety,

Leslie S. shared this story in a Zoom meeting – let me start by apologizing for butchering this. If you’d like to hear her tell it, listen over here #110 – PS, the rest of her share is incredible too. She goes in depth into fear.

A man was walking along a cliff ledge and slipped and started falling. He grabbed onto a branch sticking out from the side of the rock. While he was hanging on for his life, he started praying to God. He told God, ‘If you save me now, I’ll stop everything bad that I’ve ever done. I’ll stop running around, drinking, gambling, doing drugs and I’ll start living every day doing whatever you want me to do.’  Amazingly, God actually responded and said, ‘You don’t have to worry about doing all of that… just let go.’ The man hanging looked up and said, ‘Ummmm… is there anyone else up there I can talk to?!’

Moral of the story: God, Higher Power, Mother Nature, The Great Universe, whatever you want to call he/she/it, is always ready to catch you, but you have to let go first.

No matter what situation I’ve ever found myself in, there has always been a way out. Sometimes I don’t see it right away because I’m still trying to do things my way, but once I let go of control and let life start flowing and start living a life of gratitude instead of resentment, the door I wasn’t able to “see” suddenly “appears”.

I heard another good one the other day: what’s the name God most commonly goes by? Go ahead… guess. I’ll wait…

Something

“Something” made me turn that day. “Something” made me give you a call. Pretty interesting tidbit, huh?  I think it was Debbie D. who mentioned this one that will stick with me.  To hear her tell it, listen to #105 here.

Day 901 – The Invisible Line

Dear Sobriety,

When did I become an alcoholic? Hmmmm… this is a question that can bring attendees of a recovery meeting to their feet. For me? Knowing who I am today as a woman in sobriety, I truly feel that I was born this way. Do I think that kicking off my drinking career at 16 with a pretty traumatic life event didn’t help? I don’t know, but I do know that that life event gave me a “reason” to drink for many years.

Was I happy after my first husband and I separated because I could finally drink the way I wanted to? Yes. No question there.

Meeting my second husband who drank like I did was awesome. Until it wasn’t. Different story. Different time. Actually, I may have already written about that.

Being in an adult relationship with a pothead was great because he could never say anything about my drinking. At least what I was doing was “legal”. You bet I threw that in his face whenever necessary. Which was always. Duh.

“Legality” was an argument I’ve utilized a few different times throughout my drinking career with partners, family and friends… really, with anyone who needed a reminder. Drinking is legal. After I got my DUI and totaled my car, I, for the most part, stopped drinking and driving… Ehhhhh… truth is out now! I told everyone that I had stopped drinking and driving after I got that DUI. Unfortunately, that’s not true. I got my DUI during the end of my first marriage and my drinking didn’t really kick off (in my opinion, ex #1 may feel different, but due to black outs and ECT treatments, I remember slim to none of that entire relationship) until after that marriage ended and I felt like I was owed some party time because I spent my mid/late 20s married. Doesn’t that make sense? It made absolute perfect sense to me. It still does if I think about it now despite being sober. That’s cause I have the thinking patterns of an addict. #1 person in my life is me. One of the reasons I volunteered to be the “beer b!tch” the first time I ever drank was because every time someone would have me grab them a drink, I would also grab for myself. Boom yeah! If I’m going to do it, I’m going to do it right. Didn’t matter that it was my first time really drinking. It just felt natural to me.

Drinking is probably the most natural ability I have. It feels so weird to say, but I’ve always had a “high tolerance”. I used to shout out thank yous to my German and Irish ancestors for giving me such an amazing ability! I can out drink any man! And even though I may not remember it, I have no doubt that I have outdrank everyone I’ve tried! Like that is a feat to be proud of, but it sure was for me. Also, can you hear the amount of ego in that? Yikes, girlfriend! Step back a little.

That’s what happens when I drink. I don’t know if I ever crossed an invisible line of “drinking socially” to “drinking alcoholically”. If so, I didn’t just cross that line, I took a chainsaw to it and cut it the f**k up cause there was no going back because I finally felt “normal”. I do know that many times when I drank around friends, I would have to sneak shots, chug beers and mix in other drugs to get to my happy place because some would comment about the amount/extent I drank. And forget hanging out with friends of friends. That never went over well. You want to go to bed? Oh hell nah! It’s time to drink a red bull and kick the night off! You puked and don’t feel good? Hey! I puked too! Now we can drink more! YESSS!

I think that’s one reason why I started becoming my own best drinking buddy. There was no judgement. There was no one telling me to stop or “you should slow down” or “maybe you’ve had enough”. You know what happens when I hear those things? I double down on every drink until I get the taste of your judgement out of my mouth. I never did figure out the perfect number. If I hadn’t gotten sober, I’m sure I would still be doing serious research to find the perfect amount. Ha! Yes, my friend, that was pure sarcasm.

Where was I even going with this?