Dear Sobriety,

I think part of yesterday’s post was unknowingly written by my arthritic toe.  I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before in this platform.  I should give it a damn name by now because it has taken over my life more than once in the last couple of years.  Let’s call it… Hulk.  Cause when it hurts I usually want to Hulk Smash something.

It’s my big toe on my right foot.  Hallux rigidus is the medical term.  Here’s a magical link to a Harvard Medical School link about it.  The title of it is Big Toe Got You Down?  It may be Hallux Rigidus.  Doesn’t that sound like an amazing article??  It is.

I have had my fair share of pain in life which I think most of us can say the same.  But this toe… I’ve been getting cortisone injections in it for the past four years or so between two to four times a year.  About every three to six months give or take.  (side note: my little black fluff ball is currently standing over my hands while I’m typing this and now just stepped on my forearm… what an exciting life I lead!  Oh, she jumped off.  I swear that I must be made of trampoline fabric because of the springiness that she can get from me)

Anyway, so before my leave started, I was over the four month mark and starting to feel the pain to a point where I had begun icing the Hulk after work and soaking it in Epsom salts baths.  I usually do that when the pain begins to set in on a regular basis.  Well, by the time I figured I should go ahead and go to get an injection, my foot doctor was taking emergency cases only.  So this leave at home not going anywhere has probably been the best thing I can do for the Hulk right now.  I tend to get ~6,000+ steps during the work day, so while I may be at a desk job, there is a bit of movement involved in it.  Still, the pain has continued to increase and yesterday it rained all day.  It really is true when people say that they can feel the rain coming in their bones.  Yep.  I can do that now.  Not exactly proud of it cause I’d rather Dr. Banner be hanging out with me instead of the Hulk most of the time.

So yesterday was a bit rough despite the fact that I was sitting for most of it.  There was a constant throb all day long.  It’s my big f**king toe.  It’s tiny!  Why in the hell is it so freaking painful?!

Anyway, so that’s that.  Another thing that has been on my mind lately is the phrase “if you spot it, you got it.”  Of course, most of the things that I “spot” are negative because who really thinks about themselves in a positive light the majority of the time?  So I’ve been comparing and contrasting things that I’ve heard, read, seen to myself because I keep finding other negative things to pull myself down with.  Imagine that?

Obviously having the mega combination of mental, emotional and physical health being out of whack at the same time is not going to be good.  Thankfully Friday I had gotten to my breaking point and called to make a telehealth appointment with my therapist before I go back to work.  My coworkers didn’t do anything to deserve crazy Monica come back instead of regular day Monica (I was going to put “normal Monica”, but I abhor the word “normal” on an average day and since I’m living in trifecta mode right now, I super hate it now).

I don’t know.  Most of this has become gibberish to me by this point, so I must apologize if you’re still reading.  This is literally finger vomit you’re getting at this point and usually when I do that, I don’t go back and edit anything.