Day 875 – Healthy Fear

Dear Sobriety,

After my last post, I called my parents for my daily check in with them and mom wanted to make sure that I was doing ok because despite the fact that I’m 37, she’s still my mom and I love her for that.  We talked more about what I was feeling and she said she supported me no matter what decision I made (re: thinking about contacting my ex-boyfriend).  I told her and dad that after I posted that last piece, I started “playing the tape through”.  That’s something I was taught in AA.  When you’re drug of choice is starting to sound better than sobriety, “play the tape through” and don’t stop at just the good parts.  Essentially meaning, stop romanticizing and remember all the sh!t that went along with it and where it got you every single time before.

The thing with me now is that every romantic relationship I’ve ever been in has been unhealthy to some degree.  And I’m not just pointing fingers at my ex’s.  When you point a finger at someone, take a look at your hand and you’ll see that there are three more pointing right back at you.

Addiction has led me to some very dark places.  The thing I know now is that addiction has also led me to where I am right now.  Writing on my couch after my homegroup AA meeting this morning while the sun is rising and listening to one cat take a bath while the other one is snoozing.  And this place that I’m in – literally and figuratively – is a good place.  It’s a healthier, happier and more content place than I’ve ever been in in my entire life.  However, at the same time, it has created a fear of romantic relationships and opening myself up to another person that way.

I’m not a gambler.  I swear that’s the one vice that I don’t have.  So at this point, today, I am not willing to “gamble” with my life and allow another person in just yet and I’ve made my peace (most days) with that decision.  Now I do know that my HP enjoys practical jokes and I would not be surprised if a situation is somehow thrown in my lap to lead me in a different direction away from my choices.  By that I mean, I’ve realized I’m not the one who is in control of my life.

HOW (Honesty, Open-mindedness, Willingness) along with acceptance, gratitude and adaptability have all played big parts in getting me to where I am today.

Oh hey!  If you’d like to listen to the Emotional Sobriety deep dive that Polly P. shared the other day, click here and scroll down to track numbers 130 and 131.  Incredibly eye-opening.

Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.
– Vanilla Sky