Day 859 – Not Sure How to Title This

Dear Sobriety,

It’s been a hot minute since I posted last.  Mostly due to laziness and not really feeling like I need to.  Part of my program of sobriety is writing and I’m grateful to say that in the past minute (months) there really hasn’t been much craziness which has inspired me to jump on here.  Oh how things have changed…

I don’t even know what I’m going to write about or if I’ll even post this, but I feel words coming through my fingers, so I shan’t stop them.

Whiskey.  Tango.  Foxtrot, my friends.  First of all, let me say my prayers and good juju goes out to all of those dealing with COVID-19.  Which, let’s just be honest, is all of us.  Also, as far as I’m aware, I am not physically afflicted with this, but damn if it isn’t on my mind all the time.  Aside from some pretty nasty allergies I’m dealing with, I’m physically ok.  But mentally and emotionally I am beyond spent.

I’m one of those people who tends to do well in times of stress.  I’m, on average, good at meeting deadlines and dealing with “fires” that pop up at work and at home.  My fight or flight response tends to lean towards fight, but only for myself and usually in an extremely logical and sound manner.  It’s almost like an invisible checklist is put in my head and I manage to go through the items in a calm and collected way checking each one off in the proper order to ensure whatever crisis is happening is taken care of in the correct order in order to achieve maximum success (or however you want to define it).  Mad props goes to my second ex husband for making me realize this.  Ever since then, however, (and especially since I’ve been sober) I’ve noticed a continued trend.  But… being this type of person is only good for short spurts.  Being on “high-alert” is only a positive for so long until it starts to viciously fight back at you.

I work for a company that is currently considered part of the “essential businesses” allowed to continue operations during this terrifying pandemic and right now I am having a terrible quarrel with myself over it because I’m beyond exhausted.  I’m absolutely grateful that I am one of the few who, today, still has a job to go to and money coming in the door.  At the same time, I feel so distracted that I know I’m not performing to the best of my abilities.  But then you go back to the fact that if I didn’t have work to keep me busy and out of my own head, I would essentially be forced to be my single, sober self in my home with two cats and a no other physical interactions with other humans for an undetermined amount of time.  So far, I don’t like how that last scenario plays out in my head.  I don’t think I would relapse, but I’ve also never been put in that situation yet.  Too many unknowns are flying all around that.

I had a panic attack inside the Wal-Mart last Friday.  I ran out to lunch during the workday and volunteered to see if any of the stores had hand sanitizer to refill the bottles at work while I was out.  Mistake.  I haven’t had a full on panic attack since before I got sober and I had forgotten how scary they are.  I walked in to the Wal-Mart and felt like everyone was going to jump on me and get me sick.  I swear everyone was walking straight towards me.  My chest tightened up and I started taking extremely shallow breaths.  I was terrified of breathing someone else’s contaminated air.

This all happened so quickly.  I was already feeling uncomfortable since I had gone through Target and another store to see if I could find any.  But this… this was a million times worse and came on so fast.  I ended up making only a partial lap through the store before I had to turn around and get the f**k out of there.  NOW.  By the time I was in the parking lot, the chest pains were terrible.

However, with the bad comes the good.  I was able to call my psych dr. and do a telehealth call with him immediately.  I explained what happened and he called me in a non-addictive, non-controlled substance prescription to take if/when these come on or before I know I’ll be in a situation like that again.  So I learned about telehealth calls and it was super easy.

I don’t know when things will be back to “normal”, but I could really use a break.  If anyone has any ideas on how to get your zen back in freakish times like these, I would sure appreciate any suggestions!

There is some good that is coming out of all of this.  I’ve heard that some smog has cleared and other natural things are getting a break from human waste.  Also, the telehealth thing is super cool.  But the thing that I have most needed and appreciated has been the amazing humor that has popped up all over!  Sure, this is terrible, but this woman still needs to laugh.

Here’s my fave.  Hope you enjoy!  Sending more love and good thoughts!